Decisions, Decisions…

There comes a time when you start to wonder if it’s all worth it.

Recently, I wrote a comic/blog that was taken by some to be a form of support for rape. This, in fact, could not be farther from the truth.

Using alcohol or encouraging drinking for the purpose of intoxicating someone to do something against their will is a classless act. It’s not just shady – it’s fucking criminal.

That having been said – people use alcohol for any number of other reasons.

I have mentioned that I’m an introverted extrovert. I love attention, but when I get it – I panic. If you’ve ever met me, you may have noticed that if I’m telling a funny story (well… a story that I think is funny) I sometimes get tears in my eyes. This is because I’m fucking PANICKING on the inside. If the joke bombs, I want to be ready to run away. Sometimes, a stiff drink will calm the nerves.

I also use alcohol to lower my inhibitions. Like that cute guy at HiBearNation that I really wanted to go up and talk to… but every time he looked at me, I just melted a little. Liquid courage. That’s what I needed.

So, when someone says to me “why don’t you grab me a drink and let’s see what happens” – I don’t take that to be a sign of me forcing myself onto them like a sex-crazed maniac.

Now, the question is – why the hell am I sharing that on my website here?

Truth be told, I shouldn’t. What happened after my last comic was written? That was my personal business. I posted about it privately to a group of friends, and some of them decided to draw their own conclusions and make these posts public along with libelous accusations. There are some crazy stories and discussions out there right now being spread on all sorts of social media.

Cliff notes: none of them are true.

Sometimes in life, we meet people that we immediately fall for. In my case, I knew someone for years and was excited. I posted online as though it was my diary, and the greatest lesson learned: the internet is not private, no matter what your social media tag says.

One of my accusers (I’m told) posted recently that with my explanation of the events that occurred in my Thursday blog – he no longer thinks I was guilty of rape, but now states that I was still guilty of hurting my friend and lacked the class to be apologetic or show remorse (or I wasn’t remorseful for the right reasons).

Here’s the thing – my apologies for what happened and how it has effected my friend? They have been made, privately. They’re between us and I would not attempt to embarrass him in any way by making them public. My remorse is my own and it has sat at the pit of my stomach since he told us that, while it was his decision to explore – he had to tell his wife what he had done. I don’t know… maybe he hoped things would have resolved differently. I sure hope they had. At this point, despite the fun – I do regret fooling around with him at all. The stress it caused his relationship and no matter how much he built it up – he suffered for the decision he made, and I accept the responsibility of having allowed it to happen.

But how is any of this helped by being called out, bullied, and shamed publicly?

If you want to learn a lesson from me, here are two of them:

1. Don’t give in to your emotions unless you’re sure of your partner’s emotional state. Whether they talk about it for months or spring it on you at random – you always have to think ahead. It’s our impulses which can cause the most damage.

2. Don’t bring the world into your mind without editing heavily. Blogging can be something therapeutic and it can help you organize an otherwise chaotic existence. However, people will never truly know you just from your writing – and sometimes, they will look for flaws and use them against you.

Oh, and here’s a third one just for the hell of it:

3. Talk to people. Before you jump to conclusions – TALK.

We all have triggers on the internet, whether they’re due to the rampant homophobia out there, racism, sexism or whatever it might be. I have a lot of triggers and I know how hard it can be sometimes to take a breath, step back and not act on impulse.

But this brings us to another question and why there is no comic today:

Is it all worth it?

I get told via email on a weekly basis how the comic and the blogs help people. How it makes them feel “normal”. This is the reason why I make the comic and write the blogs. This is why I spend two evenings a week forsaking the boyfriend and my friends and hiding at my computer… I recently pointed out – I don’t get paid for this: I just love doing it.

So why isn’t it worth it?

I feel as though I’m an easy target. I’ve been saying what’s on my mind for the past 5 years, and this is the first time that something like this has happened – and it emotionally destroyed me.

I am not as strong a person as I pretend to be.

My characters are bravado and rage. My characters are racy and adventurous.┬áMy characters are fools and poets. At times, my characters are what I wish I could be. And at times, my characters are what’s wrong with society.

So, over the next week or so, I’m going to spend some time thinking about things. Deciding whether this comic and all that comes with it is something that I still want in my life.

Through tears, I write this blog not for sympathy or validation, but because should I choose to end it – I want to thank you all for having been there with me on this journey.

You deserve to be a part of the finale.

 

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