Playing with Yourself

I think that there is something somewhat amusing about playing a video-game to see the characters in some form of “lustful scenario”. So often we have conventionally attractive folks thrust in our faces with chiseled features, slim waists, giant tits, rock hard abs, and huge packages… though for the most part, all of those don’t tend to occur on the same character. But rather than delving into why there are no mainstream games involving erotic hermaphrodites, I’m instead looking at what could happen if you sexualize a character in a game.

There’s already a ton of talk about Mass Effect 3 and the gay relationships that your character can have. Hell, Penny Arcade did a pretty quality comic discussing their dismay at not knowing what happens behind the scenes. It’s a good point, really – though I like to think of my comic as a bit more of an homage to Golgo 13 for the original Nintendo.┬áIn G13, which was an action/spy thriller video game, you got yourself a good bit of tail (James Bond style). Usually it would involve a little cut-scene of the outside of a hotel room, the blinds closing, and the lights going off. Sexah time.

And that is a total cop out.

Not knowing what happened in that room plagued me as a child. Before I understood “the birds and the bees”, I wanted to know what the swanky music was all about and why my character was at “full health” when he appeared again on the street. At least in the original Dragon Age you got a little bit more visual gratification, as your naked character would pair off with the person you’d sufficiently wooed, and you’d be treated to the two of them lying down together. I suppose that scenes of hardcore buggery are an eventual step – but doubt we’ll move to the point of chubby Vikings ramming mystic sex-toys up their backsides… at least within my lifetime.


Regardless, I admit the fact that there have been certain games in the past where I have undoubtedly sexualized characters that I shouldn’t have. The obvious would be Mario Brothers… hell, I still have the picture of Mario playing with himself as the background on my iPod. Recently, though – a few of the cast members of Street Fighter X Tekken have caught my eye, and it’s making me REALLY want to pick up the game. Trouble is that I can’t rationalize the price just for a game that I’m going to play by myself. If I were one of those people who had friend’s who liked to play Xbox games like this and were stopping by all the time to hang out – I might think it would be more worthwhile… but as it stands – the last fighting game I bought was Tekken Tag Tournament – and I became very skilled at playing against myself with my feet.

Sad, eh?

No biggie. Realistically, I should be saving up my money anyway. Trips this summer are gonna cost, one way or another – especially if I want to enjoy eating out a few times in Chicago and Indy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me – I need to go jerk off to screen captures of John Goodman from the game PYST. Mmmm…

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Discussion (7) ¬

  1. Rayne

    It’s kind of like how Hollywood keeps putting out pg-13 films, thus making the rest of us wade through scenes produced for sensible 13 year olds.

  2. Sultmhoor

    Obviously we need to create one of those Japanese manga dating sims for Blur The Lines…

  3. Travis Owen

    Oh but the fun to be had on Adult Games like Red Light Center…an even more adult version of Second Life.

  4. Magebear

    I’m hoping to mate Shepard with a Volus ;)

  5. DetCarGuy

    I’m thinking of combining a vintage 1962 bed with the magic fingers massage vibrating feature (insert 25 cents), coconut scented Tropicana tanning oil, strong bandage equipment and Mario Lopez. I’m not sure it makes a great video game, but it does make a heck of a Saturday night!!!

  6. Sam

    I just noticed Rick’s new arm tattoo which showed up two comics ago. Do I get the Sherlock prize?

  7. Sam

    Wait i was wrong, it’s been there forever, it just sometimes doesnt show up. My new theory is Rick has an evil twin

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