Partially based on a true story in a virtual world, the hero’s actual name was Cummings, though his tale did not end there… After a long conversation laced with lies of real world references and justifications, the Game Master apparently “forgot” to hit the button which would force the hero to change his name. Convenient, I think! Never the less, in the world of online video-games, we truly do need to protect children from the horrors that could befall them there! Which is why I act out scenes of gay, Dwarven eroticism in the back rooms of taverns across town… I mean, THEY walked into the back room – so they must have known what was going to be going on back there!
But such is the world we live in. I thought about all the inappropriate conversations I’ve had in public places where small children could hear (and much more comically, repeat). It never ceases to amaze me that whenever I have a discussion that involves anal sex, I look to my left and a kid scurries away. It’s like some form of summoning ritual that I wasn’t privy to. As though as soon as the word ‘rectum’ escapes my lips, a swirling smoke coalesces beside me into a the visage of a child, whose first breath into this world is ever tainted by the scarring mental picture of someone putting something into someone else’s butt. I don’t intend to scar, but to educate.
I wish I had the internet back when I was younger. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I was lucky enough to have it through most of High School, where I spent my evenings pretending to be an 18 year old in the BigBellym4m chat-room on AOL, talking to guys who I was amazed to know were “naked and stroking” somewhere else on the planet. Not only that – if they claimed they shot a load, it was my doing. Somewhere, some dude was spraying man-seed all over his keyboard… or god willing, the shotgun blast that somehow arcs over his belly and hits him full-bore in the eye. An eye he can no longer use to this day – because our conversation was that hot. Oh, the amazement I felt back them… It’s to the point these days where I’m faking online orgasms just to end conversations politely.
“What’s that? You just shot a load and you’re cleaning up? Oh, me too… Yeah… totally messy… gotta go before my cat gets at this…”
Because really, cats don’t need that shit and neither do dogs. In fact, animals have no place in assisting with clean-up duties in the bedroom, nor do they have a place in the creation that REQUIRES the cleanup. Both of those are people jobs, and not to be shared.