Titty Twisters

Yeah – I used to get this one a lot more than I seem to now-a-days… The guys who say their wives like to watch them with guys. What amazes me is that so many of them claim they’re utterly straight and yet in the bedroom are total bitch bottoms… Crazy world we live in where you have to balance making babies with your dreams and desires of your “totally female” wife having a monster cock to ram into your manhole repeatedly while you wear her lingerie. Ya know, I’m pretty sure God invented hermaphrodites just for your pleasure, but you have to go and double dip in the gay and straight pools and get us both all dirty… I mean, if your dick touched a vagina and I touched your dick… logically that means I totally just touched a vagina, right? Sad news, fans of Blur the Lines – no more comic! I have to cut off my fucking hands now, because I can smell the ‘gina taint on them.

Naw, I’m totally kidding… Because every time I smell the ‘gina I can just fist the smell away with the help of the local homeless person. I mean – a dollar gets you a double cheeseburger from McDonalds or elbow deep in the nearest hobo, so why not… right? It’s only rational when a deal that good exists that you stick out your hand and seize it!

It occurs to me that I just called a homeless person “local” which in and of itself makes my head spin. I mean, technically – they live the Kung Fu lifestyle and have the freedom to travel from town to town, fighting injustice and righting the wrongs of the world… But they don’t. They’re content asking me for change after I spend  a quality afternoon EARNING my money giving handjobs out in the backalleys.

Man, all the homeless people that are sitting at their PCs right now reading this are probably pissed.

Which is ridiculous, I know…

All homeless people use Macs.

That’s cold, though… and honestly, I apologize for the messages above. I’ve obviously just had too much caffeine and my string of consciousness is running rampant. But really, a woman can’t be in the room when I do my business… In fact – no offense to the other smaller guys out there who have flirted with me… I know that I’m kinda beefy these days, but I really don’t go for the smaller sort even if you think I’d play the ‘chubby bear’ role in things. I’d totally have coffee and hang with ya if you’re a cool guy – but my heads going to be turning at every fattie that walks into the room. It’s not personal, it’s the way God made me.

So blame God that I don’t want you. Not me.

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Discussion (11) ¬

  1. Tim

    Drew flexing = HOT

  2. MrPibearian

    “Sad news, fans of Blur the Lines – no more comic! ”

    That honestly scared me for a sec!

  3. lilbearmi

    If the blur went away, coffee shops would go out of business!

  4. Mike Z

    All guy island, that is someone wife’s idea of fun.

  5. Jase1977

    I’ve been in more types of sexual scenarios than I care to remember at this point, and I can honestly say none of them have EVER involved a female…and as long as I’ve got a breath in me, none ever will. Gross! The thought of a vagina is so appalling to me, it activates my gag reflex almost instantly. (And as my husband can attest, I don’t usually HAVE a gag reflex.)

  6. david

    hey dude – if only it worked that way, blaming god for not being into someone

  7. KubStrykyr

    I hear ya out, man. I can rarely be into guys who don’t have meat on their bones. I mean, some chasers can be hot, but I haven’t met many

  8. knabb

    I find yaoi fangirls to be some of the most unstable people ever. Also they have super boring taste in men.

    Also I love* stories about homeless antics and survival styles. But I still avoid them.

    *not in that yaoi way

  9. Magebear

    Of course homeless people use Macs, they’re usually the ones they can trashpick after the newest model is released. Apple: Disposable Computing

  10. Glenn Lee

    You almost scared me to death too with the “no more comics” bit. Don’t know what I’d do without your comics these days with Drew’s digitally drawn sexiness. I’ve known of people that were into that sort of thing, don’t know why (husband and wife with a gay dealio). Kinda urks me.

  11. Gary

    Ewwwwww…ginas! I do not get the gay guys who have this desire to seduce a straight guy.

    Just thinking where that straight guy has put his dick is a total turn-off! It reeks of self-loathing when I see in the ads of guys looking for “straight-acting” guys. How can you really think of them as straight when they are begging you to fuck them harder and deeper?! But then I suppose it is the same logic that these guys convince themselves they are not really gay since they just fucked and sucked a willing “straight” guy!

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